Finding Comfort.....and Comforting Others

Papa Pushing Meme (Becky) at the Zoo.
Sitting in the wheelchair wasn't her
favorite, but she did it!

The thought struck me today, that as adult children eventually we get to "raise" our parents.  I don't mean raise in terms of they way they raised us.  Quite frankly, I don't have much wisdom to share with them.  They're still raising me in that sense of the word.

But right now with my Mom, I'm helping with many of the physical care activities that I've done for my kids over the years. Bathing, dressing, feeding, brushing hair and teeth.  So, while it reminds me of raising my kids in that sense, there might be another way I could apply the word, "raise."

I will return to that thought in a moment.

My mom needs comfort.  She seeks for it, and (usually) welcomes hugs from whomever is willing to pause for a moment, smile, and reach their arms out for a hug.  Sometimes it's all we can do.  We cannot fathom what is happening with her inner thoughts, but deep down within her still lies her innate desire to comfort, even in the face needing comfort herself.

Becky Offering comfort to woman at a
rest home.

As one of her children, I can say that I knew she always cared!  She was not necessarily a hugger, or the type to over emotionalize matters.  She was a fixer and doer.  But we knew she always cared.  To see her innately comfort us now in her small actions is humbling.  The video shows a small moment when she gave that comfort to my husband, Dave.

2 minutes after laughing with him, and comforting, she was walking around the kitchen crying.  This is a sound we hear for hours a day.  How do we comfort for that?  What does she need?  While a hug might help her for a moment, her restlessness is almost continuous.  Even sitting for an entire meal is difficult for her.

Maybe, in some small way, all the comforting we give and receive, is giving us an opportunity to help Becky with some of her final lessons on this earth.  She is preparing to rise in eternal glory with her maker, something I know she believes because she's testified of this to me many times.

Perhaps her spirit is still in training.  And just maybe, as one of her children, I can take some small part in her finishing course on earth.

So I guess I'm not really raising her, just patiently helping her endure to the time she will be raised in eternal glory.  Maybe.

And I couldn't do it without my incredible family!

Paige (14) with Meme

Jesse (19) with Meme

Eryn (10) with Meme

Add Kylee (12) with Meme

Caleb (12) with Meme

Brielle (17) with Meme

Finding Safety

We live in a house with a LOT of stairs.  Mom and Dad (Becky and Jay)  built an addition onto their home in 2002, to make it their dream home.  Since then they have lived....up a lot of stairs.

The original part of the home is all on one level.  A perfect place to grow old.  This is where we cared for Great Grandma Bebe, and Grandma and Grandpa Crowther. 

Of course, Dave and I have been living in that part of the home for 3 years now. Growing old (er), but not really.

We knew at some point that mom would need that part of the home, but hoped to put it off for a long while.  The stairs have been so good for her.  After all, physically she's been doing great.  Up and down the stairs several times a day has helped keep her moving, and I always thought it was a great brain activity.  According to my "cross-brain" research; but I'm werrd that way.

Until she started to scare us!  Hanging over the top of the stairs like she was going to topple over while she grasped for the handrail, tripping on her way down, and even peeking around the corner waiting for someone to take her hand so she felt safe coming down.  We knew it was time.

Everything went smoothly in our heads.  But in reality, moving stuff is long and hard.  We are so grateful for Mom's friend from Comfort Keepers, Vicki, who helped her find comfort while we rocked her world.  Within 2 days we had her settled in a new family room, complete with her favorite chairs, pictures, and music.

*Flashback*  "Jennah, will you grab the other side of this couch?"  "Sure," I say as I drop my backpack, just having walked in the door from school.  "Where is it going this time?"

True story!  Mom changed the furniture around the house about as often as she decorated, which was at least seasonally.  If it wasn't the main living furniture, it was one of our bedrooms.  Her mind was always so active and thinking of the next best way to organize her life, and make it better for everyone.

She still wanders up the stairs, crying as she looks around at the now unfamiliar.  Going up usually isn't a problem, it's the getting down that worries us.  We welcome her as she sits and watches us working, then try to comfort as she cries a little more. The plan is....as she feels more comfortable in her new surroundings, the stairs will happen less and less.  It's not without fault, but overall, I think we're making progress.  We just needed to give out a few extra hugs through the week to calm her agitated heart.

There's a catch to moving from one part of a home to another; years and years of collection....left for me to negotiate!  I hope my siblings don't mind that we removed 3 large garbage bags, 2 large DI (goodwill) bags, and stashed the rest in a closet for them to go through at a later date.  Don't worry, it'll be fun!

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go work on the "unsettled" part of the house, to make it my own.

If my kids only knew the collection I've already started for them.

Finding Music

FINDING MUSIC:  ♪

“Good Morning, Mom!”

She looks at me, but doesn’t register the fact that I am speaking to her.  In her eyes is a far away look.  Maybe she’s not quite ready to “wake up.”  I grab my banana and sit down at the table to eat with she and my dad. 

My dad.  He has taken pain-staking efforts to provide her with a healthy breakfast. Hopefully she’ll actually eat it.  Some orange slices and a piece of toast; finger foods are simplest. Utensils are highly over-rated, anyway. His continued devotion to her is a moving life lesson in itself.

“So how did you sleep last night, Mom?”  Her eyes shift, she smiles a little, then looks at my dad to provide the answer.

With a light note of sarcasm in his voice, dad responds, “Not bad, except for the 5 times she got up to wander.”  This strikes her as funny, and she starts to chuckle.  We all join her.  What else can we do? 

**Flashback** Mom throwing together a lunch for dad as he gets ready to head out the door for work.  Leftovers---I remember thinking “I’m glad Dad gets those, because then she won’t make me try to eat them for dinner.”  My siblings probably agreed.  Mom was always so efficient and ready to get the morning going.

She picks at her breakfast, sometimes dozing in her chair at the kitchen table. She stirs as the kids come up to eat.  Soon she’s watching in amusement. Or is it bemusement; this part of the day can be chaotic. They seem to have an affect on her mood, and she becomes more aware.  Kylee (12) sees Meme is looking a little “lost” and reaches out for a hug.  Meme loves hugs!  The other kids follow, and soon she’s grinning.

As my kids start their “chores and getting ready for the day” routine, Mom disappears up into her bedroom.  Dad’s gone outside to work on our 5 acres—his freedom!  He’s a farmer at heart.

 After helping the kids with a few things, I run up the stairs to check on Mom, only to find her dancing around the room to the non-stop stream of music.  Today it’s some of her favorite music.  The Sound of Music!  Who can resist Maria with the “Hills Alive?”  We love the effect of music…when it works.  We aren’t always so lucky.  It’s a good morning.

Mom has always LOVED music. 

**FLASHBACK**  Becky taught piano lessons, led music, loved to ballroom dance, and required all 7 of us to sing together on road trips.  “This Land is Your Land,” and other patriotic songs are forever etched into my mind.

Now that magical meter of music is still magnificently medicinal for her mediocre mind.  And with the use of my awesome alliteration, I will make it known that Meme, Mom, Rebecca, BECKY, is still Finding Music!

For Memorial Day 2017, my sister, Camille, is singing with Mom…one of her all-time favorites, “My Country 'Tis of thee”!  The video can be viewed via the following URL on Camille’s Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/37mill/videos/10156314179719698/

Finding Becky

Finding Becky

Becky is my mom.

My non-stop, project-seeking, geneology-loving, grandchild-adoring, devoted mom.  Well, that's who she used to be.  Time has a funny way of seeping into the cracks of life, and turning everything upside down.  While vestiges of her former self still remain, she has been mortally ravaged by forces out of her control.  Dementia.

Have you ever felt like life isn't fair.  Well, it's not. I remind my kids of that often for good reason. And for the record....this disease simply isn't fair.

My mom has dementia; a disease that steals life.  Draining. Haunting. Unforgiving. Dementia.

BUT...... this blog isn't about what she's lost, what I've lost, what my kids, brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and friends have lost.  This is about what we've FOUND.  And of equal importance, what she's found.

Becky, or Rebecca (depending on when in life you met her), has always been a whirlwind force for good.  She met and married Jay Crowther at age 19, and began her family.  Her dream had always been to have a dozen children.  She made it more than 1/2 way, with seven amazing children, the middle, of course, being the most favored.   Hmm-mmm.  Anyway, her seven children and 22 grandchildren have been the center of her energetic life for almost 50 years.

Around 2006, when we started seeing signs of forgetfulness (more than the usual variety) at the age of 59, we all had an inkling of what was ahead.  Her father had Alzheimer's.  Maybe hers was inevitable.  We hoped beyond hope that this seemingly early onset would not  play out completely for many years to come.  But time seeped rapidly into her mind, and here we are, entering stage 7 dementia just a few months before her 70th birthday.

As I continue this blog, details of my amazing mother's life will flesh out.  But as a beginning point, I'd like to share a video of when Mom FOUND a much needed friend in herself just over a year ago. The discovery of herself in the mirror brought a few realizations to me.

First, we were entering a new stage of this disease, and it was heart-wrenching, and a little alarming.

Second, there was humor to be found in the moment.

Third, now that I think about it, not just humor, but JOY!  This was a day when Mom found JOY. And for that reason, I let the joy permeate.  I may be one of her caretakers, but she's still the one teaching me.